I know that reducing stress is important for my continued progress with my aphasia and apraxia. When I’m in a stressful situation, I find it more difficult to access the words I want to use and even when I get the word it doesn’t always come out the way I want. Sometimes a Nonsense word comes out instead or at other times another word, usually an opposite word, is expressed. And when I really want to share a story, I find it extremely hard to get my mouth to articulate the words. Apraxia of speech is a motor planning disorder. Even when I know the words I want to use, I have to think about how I form the words. Short thoughts and short sentences are getting easier with a lot of speech therapy and lots of practice.
Stress is a part of life. Stress can move you in the right direction and make you finish what you really want to do. But stress can also be emotional strain. I know this first hand with writing this blog. I have set a goal of posting a blog entry every Friday. When I'm not able to write everyday and I get behind, I feel frustrated and upset with myself. I know that is not healthy. But here's where I am since I haven't posted in about a month.
This past week I began listening to the Free Hay House Tapping World Summit. It brought up a lot of emotions for me. I believe this summit would have been valuable to me even before I had the stroke, but now it seems more powerful this year as I try to be more mindful and intentional to live my best life WITH aphasia and apraxia.
Before I read about this summit I had never heard of tapping. Tapping or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is for stress relief. Tapping is based on ancient principles of Chinese acupressure and modern psychology. Having stress has been linked to anxiety, weight gain, sleep problems, lack of motivation, chronic pain, and depression.
I know that reducing stress is important for my continued progress with my aphasia and apraxia. When I’m in a stressful situation, I find it more difficult to access the words I want and even when I get the word it doesn’t always come out the way I want. Sometimes a Nonsense word comes out instead and at other times another word, usually an opposite word is expressed. And when I really want to share a story, I find it extremely hard to get my mouth to articulate the words. Apraxia is a motor planning disorder. Even when I know the words I want to use, I have to think about how I form the words. Short thoughts and short sentences are getting easier with a lot of speech therapy and lots of practice.
But I digress from my story about tapping.
This is a very simple explanation. Here is how tapping works …..
The basic Tapping technique requires you to focus on a negative emotion you are feeling at this time. This can be a fear, a worry, or any unresolved problem. While maintaining your mental focus on this issue, you use your fingertips to tap 5-7 times on 9 specific meridian points of the body. An illustration from the Tapping Solution website is found at the bottom of this post.
When you begin, you think about the negative emotion and assess to what degree you feel it. From 0 (being it Doesn’t bother me at all) to 10 (I can feel the emotion tremendously) and where you can feel it - “stomach”, “head”, “throat“ or another part of the body.
The summit is now over and have I have experienced so many emotions around living with aphasia and apraxia. I know I have come a long way. Most of the time I am motivated to move forward to live my best life with the challenges but sometimes I still lose my way; I think negative thoughts about my progress and I need strategies to get me back on track.
Studies have found that over 62% of people who’ve had a stroke and have aphasia have depression. I think for the me the depression was mostly due to the challenges I experienced with the aphasia and especially with the apraxia of speech. It affected my self esteem. When I was most depressed I found myself having a lot of judgement about my speech, my lack of a paid job, or about tasks I could not do.
Perhaps one of the most impactful workshops for me was the one that Abiola Abrams did on day 2 Cultivating Inner Confidence: Using Tapping to Release Self Doubt and Build Inner Belief. This really resonated with me as I have struggled with my confidence and self esteem since having my stroke. I have frequently thought “I am not good enough.” During this workshop Abiola tapped about believing we all have worth even without doing anything because we are all enough.
I took notes on this workshop and here’s what came up for me. (My writing is hard to read since the stroke, but I will try to capture the most important things.)
Abiola started the tapping by saying “I am not enough" Rate how much you feel this statement in your body. (from 0 - not feeling it at all to 10 - Oh, yes, I am NOT enough!)
"Even though I'm scared that I'm not enough, I choose to love, honor and cherish myself. Even though I might not be enough, I choose to love and accept myself".
1. "what if I'm not enough?"
2. "I don't think I'm enough"
3. "I am not enough."
4 " I just don't feel good enough."
5. "I've been saying these affirmations"
6. "I've been all these things to help me"
7. "but what if I'm just not enough?"
8. "what if I'm not good enough?"
9. "what if I don't have what it takes?"
I'm afraid that I don't talk as much as I can because it's so hard.
I feel that I'm just messing up the words I want to use.
oh, why am I beating myself up?
I do all that I can. Don't I?
I practice and still don't pronounce consonant blends consistently.
Apraxia of speech can be a life long thing.
I may not get any better.
Why am I not good enough?
I am not enough.
Why am I not just good enough?
I try to tell stories and share what's important to me.
People get annoyed when it doesn't come out fast enough.
I get so annoyed with myself when it comes out choppy.
I get so annoyed when I forgot to announce the topic and people can't follow me.
but I'm trying my best.
even though it takes a lot of time, I can share what I need to in writing
and that's enough, isn't it?
but why am I still saying I'm not enough.
I'm thinking about thinking differently.
I don't have to focus on what's hard or wrong all the time.
I'll still be me. Even though things are harder.
what if I decided that I am enough?
Maybe it's just a decision like Abiola said.
I'm deciding that I AM enough.
It feels really good that I am enough.
I'm worth listening to even if it takes longer. I AM enough!
I am worth loving
I am worth abundance
I am worthy and deserving of all good things
so maybe I am enough!
yeah, I thing that I am enough!
and it feels good to be enough.
what I feel is what I feel.
and that is ok
It is good enough
I am good enough
I am great enough
I am awesome
I am enough
And I am clearing away
all thoughts that no longer serve me
I'm clearing away
all fears that I am not enough
because I am enough
Abiola's words are in blue and my thoughts when I did this tapping a second time are in red.
I can see that tapping has a lot of similarities as Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) which really helped me with my depression and anxiety during the first two years after the stroke. I am much better at recognizing negative thoughts especially about my judgement of my progress with speaking, reading and writing, my feelings of insecurity and lack of self esteem and worthiness, etc. I have learned through therapy that I shouldn’t expect that these negative thoughts will be totally eliminated, but I can use ACT defusion and now tapping to let go of these negative emotions that impede my progress and this helps me to Live Well with Aphasia and apraxia of speech.
If you’ve like to learn more about tapping, I suggest you visit the following sites.
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/tapping-101/
stress
[stres]
NOUN
a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. "he's obviously under a lot of stress" · [more]synonyms:strain · pressure · tension · nervous tension · worry · anxiety · nervousness · trouble · difficulty · distress · trauma · suffering · pain · grief
particular emphasis or importance
"we should lay greater stress on education"
synonyms: emphasis · importance · weight· force · insistence · weightage