Last week I posted a blog about making February fabulous and about my feelings about Valentine’s Day. Now the day is here and I hope if you read my last post that you thought about doing something today and this month to show people you love them. Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be about romantic love, although that’s nice too.
I was so happy to send some Valentine notes to friends and family and included an origami heart that I was able to make. My hand is always numb from the neuralgia and hemiparesis so I’m pretty proud of the fact that I could make 8 hearts.
This evening I will join a few friends on zoom to catch up. And then my husband and I will have a quiet dinner and probably watch some TV, a normal night. Nothing to write home about.
So, why am I sharing this today? While I realize I’ve come a long way, I’m still scared of being judged by others and by myself. People would say I’m my worst critic. And I would agree with them sometimes. But, most of the time, I would say I’m a realist. Tonight I will be zooming with dear friends for the first time in a while. There should be 6 of us on the zoom and that is a lot of people to talk to at the same time. So much pressure to talk "off the cuff" with a lot of changing topics. If you know about aphasia and especially apraxia (which makes forming words difficult) this type of conversation is extremely challenging. I find myself wondering why I decided to put myself through this type of situation (I was the one organizing the zoom). Sure, I love all these friends and really want to catch up, but couldn't I meet them one to one and avoid the difficulty. one to one conversations are much more manageable for me. There are more strategies to use. But I've committed to this event so I'll do the best I can. One of the reasons I'm apprehensive about is their judging my speech. Sure they will all be complimentary, but I find even this positive judgement difficult. I have learned strategies that will help me to be less critical of myself and any errors I will undoubtedly going to make. But I have a very hard time hearing that I've progressed so far in my speech production.
I choose “living well with aphasia and apraxia” as my tagline, or motto. It’s what I now strive for everyday. I have accepted that I will have to live with aphasia and apraxia as challenges in some capacity probably for the rest of my life. And living with aphasia and apraxia is not always easy. But every day, I try to live my best life and that to me is "living well". Part of living is being loved by others, being in a community of people with like interests and sharing our own story with others. So, here I go to get ready for my zoom. Wish me luck!
