Is this an oxymoron? How can I be both excited and anxious?
I guess if I were excited about doing something for the for the first time, like riding a bike or driving a car, I could be anxious and excited. I know that when I finally got the chance to drive again after the stroke I was excited and anxious. I knew the act of driving a 5 ton vehicle that could kill or maim someone if I messed up made me super cautious. Doing more than one thing at a time, as driving requires, takes a lot of physical and cognitive energy. Split second decisions need to be made sometimes and you have be constantly on guard. Over the years, it becomes second nature and you do some things by rote . After your brain is damaged, it’s harder.
In order to drive again I had to be evaluated. physical reaction time, understanding directions and rules of the road, vision has to be measured and evaluated. even when I was cleared to drive, I was cautioned to drive with another person until I felt completely comfortable.
But why would I be anxious about watching my granddaughter, whom I adore, for three days this week? She is a bright, curious, simple adorable child. Absolutely my favorite human being.
When I have neuro fatigue, my reaction time is a bit slower but mostly my speech and language production is more difficult. watching two year old requires you to give fairly quick responses so they will do the right thing or move in the right direction. You also have to give reasons when they can’t do what they want. sometimes when Kiera gets frustrated she cries; very normal. But when she does sometimes my brain freezes and I am unable to express what I want. And , this is weird, but since the stroke under certain conditions I laugh and can’t stop, this is not the reaction that a toddler expects or is at all helpful. Furthermore when I have neurofatigue, everything gets worse.
We traveled last Sunday and again on Saturday. Two 11 hour day trips in 1 week. During the week I had to watch Kiera because she was sick and couldn't attend daycare. I am now physically and mentally fatigued. Let's see how I do.
once again, wish me luck. Until next time…..
