ReBUILD Self Esteem (UBC #3)

note: the beginning of this post is taken from a blog posted on February 5, 2021. I think this was the perfect introduction to why I’m doing ReBUILD Tuesdays - to outline my system for rebuilding self esteem after stroke.

I have learned many things since my stroke and I want to share what I truly believe. You can re-build high self esteem even after a trauma like having a stroke and living with aphasia and apraxia.

As a result of the stroke, I have both aphasia and apraxia of speech which both make communication very difficult. In the beginning of my recovery I couldn’t speak or even make any sound. Once my eyesight got a little bit better, I could read words although with difficulty and I could write limited words, too. I have Broca’s aphasia (non-fluent) which means I can understand written and oral speech with more difficulty than before and have had severely reduced speech, limited vocabulary, and difficultly with writing. In addition to these communication challenges, I also have nerve damage in my face especially near my mouth, central pain syndrome which affects my right hand and neuro-fatigue. I really don’t want to complain. I am so grateful that the stroke didn’t affect me in other ways. I just want to “set the stage” as they say. As you can imagine, these challenges have affected my life in many ways, not the least of which, is my self esteem.

“In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person's overall sense of self- worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself. It involves a variety of beliefs about yourself, such as the appraisal of your own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors.”

For over 25 years I have been a teacher and coach. I had to “retire” from my dream job, Associate Director of Resident Services, due to the effects of the stroke. In the beginning, I felt as if my whole life was ruined. I was very self conscious of my inability to talk, read, write and understand people in the way I could before. I had to have people tell me when I had food on my face after eating. I didn’t go to the office anymore so I didn’t dress in the same professional manner. Because of the eye problems, I didn’t wear mascara as much. I experienced self doubt of my abilities going forward and I had depression and anxiety. As you can see from the definition of self esteem above, I had low self esteem.

But I can tell you that over the past 3 1/2 year, by practicing what “I teach”, I have been able to rebuild my self esteem and look forward to my continued journey of recovery.

In college and when studying to become a teacher in graduate school, I took several psychology and sociology courses. What most resonated for me, I think, was the part self esteem plays in a person’s success. Of course as a teacher I wanted my students to be successful. And as a supervisor I wanted the same for the people on my staff.

Just before graduating, we had to design a philosophy of teaching. I still have a copy of mine today. It’s that important.

As I look back on my career, I see that I’ve always had in the back of my mind the importance of self esteem and how to foster it when dealing with people. In fact, through the years, I have created a chart describing the components of self esteem, always using an acronym to made it easier to remember. Now is no different.

When writing down my story, I have come up with the acronym BUILD, to make it easier for those who will read my book; hopefully those who have aphasia and apraxia like me or those caregivers who want to help their loved ones. By recognizing and then addressing the components, those who want to be successful can reBUILD their self esteem.

over the next 5 weeks (on Tuesdays during the Ultimate Blog Challenge in January) I will outline this system. Of course I can’t tell you everything. You‘ll have to get my book, lol.

So for today, the first ReBUILD Tuesday, we will talk about B in BUILD. Belonging

Part of our personal identity is defined by the roles we play in others lives. (Community) We may identify as “mom”, “spouse”, “daughter or son”, “worker”, “volunteer”, “community member”, “political party member”, “member of a book club” etc.

When you first meet someone, they usually ask “so, what do you do?”. How do you respond?”

Just before a had a stroke, I usually responded with “I work at the Providence Housing Authority. I’m the Assistant Director of Resident Services.” Of course I was still a daughter, mother, wife, friend. But most of my identity seemed to be geared toward what I did for a living. Makes sense… I worked at the office for over 40 hours a week, spent many hours thinking about work, and I was extremely proud of what I was doing and accomplishing.

So what happens when your “identity“ changes in an instant. Like when you have a trauma such as stroke. These roles, which you normally identify with, can alter dramatically. No longer can you do everything you could before perhaps. In some ways you lose your independence, at least at first. You may have been a caregiver who now needs to be cared for. You may lose your job. There is too much to say here in a short blog. Needless to say, at this time, you may feel lost and alone. And your self esteem, the way you think about yourself, your ”sense of self- worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself.” takes a hit. It makes sense at this point to tell you the the 5 steps to ReBUILD self esteem are not sequential. They can be done in any order. I have learned recovery is not linear. People have to be ready to try the strategies when they make sense to them. Just like I wrote about before, people come into our life when they are suppose to come and it has to be the right time for things to make sense

One step to ReBUILD self esteem is to know that you still belong. "A sense of belonging or feeling accepted, liked, and included by others is a fundamental human need (Baumeister and Leary 1995) And belonging is linked to our self esteem. We are social beings. The closest people to us are usually family and friends. So, connecting with family and friends is a natural first step. But how do you do this when you can‘t express yourself and your needs because of aphasia or apraxia? ) I’ll give you more information in another blog.

Some people say that family and friends leave or turn their backs on you when you have a stroke and especially whrn you have aphasia. I did not experience this, but I can definitely say I’ve had have a difficult time relating to and communicating with others.

I have found that it is easier for me to communicate with others who have experienced what I have, a stroke with aphasia resulting. It's nice to know that we are not alone. There are many support groups for people who have experienced a stroke. I have found many support groups and other activities for people with aphasia. These have been so helpful to me and my journey so far.