I am including this post on a Self Esteem Tuesday because it shares my experiences related to how recognizing the importance of being UNIQUE helps improve self esteem after a trauma. If you read last week's post, you will remember the acronym BUILD for my steps for improving self esteem. B-Belonging; U-Unique; I-Internal control; L-Learn from the Past-live in the present; D-Determination.
THE ESSENCE OF ME - I am still Cheryl
My husband and I have been cleaning out our basement for the past few years (I know that’s a long time…we have a lot of stuff accumulated over the years and stuff we inherited through the years.) I struggle to get rid of things apparently. Recently, I found an article or poem, I got in one of my classes in college (I think it was an undergraduate psychology course), so over 40 years ago.
Here it is. I don’t know who wrote this.
ME
I am the only “me” I’ve got. I am unique. There are two major parts of me. There is the inside of “me” and the outside of “me”.
The outside of me is what you see. The way I act, the image I portray, the way I look and the things I do. The outside of me is very important. It is my messenger to the world and much of my outside me is what communicates with you. I value what I have done, the way I look, and what I share with you.
The inside “me” knows all my feelings, my secret ideas, and my many hopes and dreams. Sometimes I let you know a little bit about the inside “me” and sometimes it’s a very private part of myself.
Even though there are an enormous number of people in this world, no one is exactly like "me". I take full responsibility for me and the more I learn about myself, the more responsibility I am going to take. As I know myself more, I find out that tat I am an OK person. I've done some good things in life because I am a good person. I have accomplished some things in my life because I am a competent person. I know some special people because I am worth knowing. I celebrate the many things I have done for myself.
I have also made some mistakes. I can learn from them. I have also known some people who did not appreciate me. I do not need to keep those people in my life. I've wasted some precious time. I can make new choices now. As long as I can see, hear, feel, think, change, grow and behave. I have great possibility. I'm going to take those risks and those possibilities and I am going to grow and love and be and celebrate. I am worth it.
~anonymous
Right after the stroke, I wanted to let people know that “I was still the same Cheryl”. In fact, it was the title of this blog at the beginning. Even more than 5 years later I’m still struggling to fully explain it. During counseling, my neuropsychologist and I tried to think of the right word and really couldn’t come up with the right word to express what I felt . Today I’ll just say, it is the essence of me that never changed even though my body and ability to communicate has changed after the trauma of having the stroke.
If you’ll bear with me, I’d like to pull out some phrases from the poem. And explain.
“There are two parts of me. The inside of me and the outside of me.” When I first had the stroke and couldn’t talk, I felt like the inside of me was the bigger part of me. My “identity “ changed and diminished. I was no longer a worker, an active mom or wife or daughter. I had to be taken care of versus caring for others. As I progressed, the outside of me had an increased role.
“The inside part of me is very private part of me”. Without being able to express myself fully, my inside part becomes more private. I’m very grateful to have the ability to express myself in writing now and this helps me to express my feelings, ideas, hopes and dreams more.
Even though there are an enormous number of people in this world, no one is exactly like "me". I truly believe every one of us is special and unique. Remembering how special we are is so important everyday but especially after having a stroke. When you are not able to do things you could before and especially when you can't communicate they way you want or need, thinking about strengths and your specialness helps increase self esteem.
As I was planning and writing this post, I knew I wanted to create a poem to describe how I feel now about me. Using ChatGPT here is my poem.
The Essence of Me
Inside this vessel,
where silence reigns,
Where words once flowed like gentle rains,
Exists a world, a sacred place,
Beyond the bounds of time and space.
Outside, you see the shell,
the form, A face, a role,
in life's grand norm,
A family member, a friend, a part,
But not the depths within my heart.
Though speech may falter, writing fade,
Though reading's ease has been delayed,
Within, a spark, a flame, a light,
Burns ever true, both day and night.
In silence, fears and hopes reside,
Dreams and thoughts I cannot hide,
A soul untouched by life's cruel blow,
The essence of me you may not know.
For I am more than what you see,
More than the roles bestowed on me,
A world within, profound and free,
The essence of me, eternally
~Cheryl Tondreau, created with the help of ChatGPT
what a frustrating experience for you to go through, and yet I see how it also helped to clearly define who your inside me was. Thanks for sharing this.
What a beautiful poem!! I love it. I'm glad you are expressing your feelings this way, even though you feel that you aren't able to express yourself fully. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be, and I am sorry you are going through it. But I love that you're doing the self-esteem Tuesdays and nurturing yourself this way!