I have been wanting to share what I've learned about ReBuilding Self Esteem, after a stroke and resulting communication challenges. I use this blog to brainstorm ways to do this, share my personal journey with these challenges and hope that it helps another person to know that they are not alone.
Just this past week, I challenged myself to go out of my comfort zone and attend a book study at my church here in VA. For Christmas, we were given a book, 33 days to Eucharistic Glory by Matthew Kelly. We were also told that there would be an opportinity to discuss this book with other parishioners. I felt called to not only read the book, because it's something I thing will bring me closer to God, but also compelled somewhat to join the book study. As you know if you've read anything I've written or if you spoken to me in person lately, you know this is something that intimidates me, makes me anxious, and perhaps I would dread. I,of course, could read the book myself and participant in the final event at the church, a consecration to the holy eucharist. But somehow I got the feeling that this would not be enough for me.
I almost skipped the first meeting of the book study. I almost talked myself out of it. I even had the opportnity to set up meeting during the time it took place. But I faced my fears. The fear about going alone. The fear of introducing myself. And the ultimate fear and I would have to talk to the whole group.
One of my instincts was to write to the facilitator to share that I had had a stroke and have communication disorders due to it and could not speak in groups, even a very small group. This is my go-to strategy. I resisted the temptation to do this.
I read the introduction chapter before the meeting. I was as ready as I could be.
There were many people who showed up (more than the facilitator hoped). I sat next to a lovely woman, Sandy, who instantly made me feel comfortable and didn't ask many questions. During the meeting, the facilitator asked some open ended questions and many people shared, but we weren't forced to answer. Finally I felt more comfortable.
They were talking about how difficult it was during COVID to be restricted from attending mass. And the discussion expanded as to the difficulty not being able to receive the eucharist which Catholics know is the Body and Blood of Christ. (I apologize to any one who is uncomfortable with my sharing this. I promise this post is not about religion.) Finally, there was a time during COVID, mass was broadcasted on the internet, but of course we still couldn't share this important part of mass.
This discussion brought back a LOT of feelings for me. Not being able to speak. Not being able to say prayers that were second nature to me. Going to mass and not being able to say the prayers and recitations with the congregation. And especially not being able to participate in the eucharist due to swallowing issues. This is somewhat I would have to wait about a year for.
Somehow I had the determination and discipline to attend mass right away after getting home from the hospital. But don't get me wrong, it was extremely difficult and I actually cried during mass most days.
All these thoughts were swirling through my mind during the discussion. I wanted so much to share what I thought, share what I've been through, and connect with .....
Of course, I stayed quiet, but I thought about sharing with the facilatator afterward. Sandy was the first to talk with me after the meeting and we started to get to know one another better. Have you ever met someone and automatically felt a connection? I do many, many times and especially since the stroke. (I believe we are all truly connected and people come into our lives for a reason.)
Sandy made me feel so comfortable that I shared all this and much more. At the end, she gave me a hug!
Once I started the read the daily passages, which asked us to reflect on a lesson and a different virtue every day, I thought of incorporating how these virtues impact our recovery after stroke and how we live our very best life even with communication challenges. Hence the theme for the podcast for the next 33 days was born. I didn't know what virtues would be discussed for these 33 days, I only knew I wanted to do this. Thankfully so far the virtues connect very nicely with my opinions and thoughts.
I'm working on day 6 of the virtues and thankfully the words not only resonsant with me about our journey, they intersect with my ReBuilding blocks of belonging, uniqueness, internal control, let go and move forward, and determination.
Finally, yesterday I received an email that shared a TED talk that described a meditation strategy (3 X 3) that ties in perfectly with what I want to talk about today in the podcast. And a further connection was made when I saw a FB post about Letting go of negative self talk. (Thanks Denise from JustASK for the video and Trish for the FB post)
How synchonistic is that! When we truly listen, the universe shares what we need!
Until next time......
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